As a Muslim woman contemplating marriage in a very modern world (and whose friends are nearly all married already… tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock!), I often talk to my mum and dad about marriage – and the manual. They comfortingly reassure me that there really isn’t one.
Things are obviously very different these days – in some ways, everything is easier, in other ways harder. We’re more connected and free, yet everyone wants so much more out of everything, and we move at break-neck speeds.
One of the conundrums I frequently wrestle with is the great liberty to make our own choices, of which I am huge advocate, yet the seeming evaporation of “sticking together through good and bad” that existed for my parent’s generation. Now, it seems to me, modern love is a bit like sitting in a fancy restaurant, not liking your entrée and simply signalling the waiter and, calling out “next!” Of course, this is ultimately expensive.
Freedom Overrated?
The marriage of the traditional and the modern seems to me an unlikely union at the best of times, but they do say opposites attract. I’ve always believed that when in doubt with seemingly no way out, the only place to look is inward and… upward.
My upcoming marriage isn’t being arranged, except by my husband-to-be and myself. I am a complete believer in free will and choice, but I can also see the pressures that come with those of us who make our own decisions on the matter. It’s all about faith, in Allah, in ourselves and in each other.
Install Driver?
While there isn’t a Modern Muslim Marriage Manual, there are guides we can follow and I’m really glad of that. I see it as a scaffold that supports me as I wonder how to built my marriage strong, how to be a potentially good mother and… a best-selling author!
I found this reassuring guide to etiquette for the Muslim husband at Islamhouse.com.
I thought I’d share some of the guidelines that most touched me – although the whole list is great if you want to check it out for yourself. It’s egalitarian and comforting and I found it very affirming as a revelation that actually, as Muslim husbands and wives, we should just do the best we can and look to each other for support.
I’m off to buy my fiancé a sewing kit!
1. It is not from the deficiencies, but rather from good manners, that the husband shares in the responsibility of specified matters, such as the mending of garments or what is similar to that.
2. It is appropriate for a man to not restrict himself from serving himself. This is since the wife takes care of the household affairs. So therefore, it is from good manners that the husband extend a helping hand to his wife in the house, during times of necessity, such as when she is sick, pregnant, has given birth or similar to that.
3. Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with over-seriousness! For indeed characterizing the family life with a militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad results.
4. The husband should specify a time in which he can play around and pass free time with his wife.
5. There is no human being that is perfect. So there is no doubt that the husband will see things in his wife that does not comply with his natural disposition and preferences. If these aspects are not in opposition to the fundaments of the Religion or to the obedience of the husband and his rights, then at that point, he should not try to change her personality so that it complies with his natural preference.
6. Do not chase after the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So overlook your wife’s easy ability to make mistakes, and make her falling into them seem like something small.
7. If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her. This is of course according to the extent of your ability.
8. The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the order of the house.
9. Beware of scolding your wife or blaming her for a mistake she committed, in the presence of others, even if they are your own children. For indeed that is an act that goes against correct behaviour and it will lead to raising anger in the hearts of people.
10. Do not let Ramadaan be a barrier that impedes you from showing affection to your wife, such as by kissing her. But this is so long as you are able to refrain yourself, since what is forbidden during the days of Ramadaan is only sexual intercourse.
