I often ponder the question of marriage within and beyond our faith, especially for men. As many of you know, Muslim women can only marry Muslim men, while Muslim men can marry Christians and Jews (i.e. “People of The Book”) if they so choose.
Islam, like many other religions encourages marriage within the faith, and is a diverse and widespread religion. Of course there are stipulations within the faith designed to support commonality of faith. First and foremost, if a Muslim man marries a practising Jewish or Christian woman, the children should be brought up as Muslims as Islam follows the culture of the father.
The Road Less Travelled By
Of course, in reality, many dedicated Jewish or Christian women would want to raise their children in their own faith. This is especially true of the Jewish faith, which follows the culture of the mother.
Religion may not initially be a big problem between two people who fall in love, but can come to mean so much more when children are involved. It’s a tough one for a Muslim man who chooses to marry a Christian or a Jew as he has the pressure of ensuring the children will be Muslims.
Articles of Faith
There’s a brilliant site article on WSC’s Inside Islam called an Ideal Husband, which discusses three perspectives on this soul-searching matter. One is that of Asra Nomani, who wrote an article for Marie Clare entitled My Big Fat Muslim Wedding, which challenges Islam to change its rules and permit Muslim women to marry non-Muslim men. Nomani argues that Muslim women should be allowed to find love in whomever they choose regardless of their faith.
G. Willow Wilson responds - she’s converted to Islam and married a Muslim man and argues that troubled marriages are not specific to Muslim men; its just Islam get the most negative attention on the matter. She believes that a common religion for married couples is something that all religious groups support.
The third perspective focuses on the Doha Debate on the sensitive issue of marriage outside of the faith. Yasir Qadhi raises the point that a person who identifies as Muslim, man or woman, must stay within the boundaries of the faith. For him, marriage is tied to self-identification. Qadhi also states that while he doesn’t agree that Muslim women should be allowed to marry just anyone, a degree reformation is needed within the Muslim community to alleviate the subjugation of women that occurs in many societies.
Together We Stand?
This three way debate raises as many questions as it does answers. I agree with Nomani that men and women should have the same rules and rights (I’m a child of the Seventies after all.) I also agree with G. Willow Wilson that common religion is the ideal basis for a marriage and Islam unfairly gets a bad name on this subject. I also concur with Qadhi that marriage and faith are tied to self-identification.
I set off in search of 3 more opinions…
I asked a Muslim male friend who is of marrying age what he thought on the matter, and he responded that he would consider it a great failure if his children weren’t brought up as Muslims. Perfectly understandable. I also broached the subject with a young Jewish woman I know and she told me that under Jewish law, her children would be Jewish “automatically”, regardless of whom she married and that the decision was God’s, not hers.
Finally I turned to two dear friends of mine who had an interfaith marriage in Switzerland in the 70’s and now have 3 wonderful daughters. He is a Moroccan Muslim, she is a Swiss Jew – while they both have faith, neither one is extremely devout. They told me that whilst their families had held strong opinions on the match, their love just surpassed everything and that they had brought their children up by teaching them about both faiths and celebrating all Jewish and Muslim holidays, but without pressurizing them one way or the other. They also confided that now their daughters are teenagers, the girls have become incredibly culturally aware but their cross-faith is provoking some profound existential questions, not to mention some issues at school with other pupils.
I guess it comes down to whether you feel love is stronger than faith, faith stronger than love, or whether indeed, the two can coexist. I’m not sure…
Are you part of an interfaith marriage? If so, what are your thoughts?